


In The Shelter Of His Tabernacle

by DoctorV



Series: Archive: Doc's Old-Ass Fake News Fic (Daily Show, Colbert Report, etc.) [12]
Category: Fake News FPF, The Colbert Report, The Daily Show
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blasphemy, Confessional Sex, M/M, priest!Stephen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13986573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: On a rainy night, a priest offers shelter from the storm.





	In The Shelter Of His Tabernacle

**Author's Note:**

> Archiving some old old OLD fanfic of mine. This was originally posted to LiveJournal 04/15/2009, with the author's note:  
> "Prompt was "... maybe something with priest!Stephen?""

Thunder crashed loudly and the lights flickered just in time to make the flash of lightning outside seem even brighter in contrast. Stephen glanced up and frowned, trying to remember where he had left the matches last. There were plenty of candles to be found, but without the matches they were useless.

 

Another crash startled him, but this time it was from the door. What poor soul had managed to get themself caught outside, at this hour, in this kind of storm?

 

Stephen hurried to the door and quickly unlocked it, pulling it open. He had a brief glimpse of dark hair and pale skin before the figure was darting inside and shaking itself. The wind tossed sheets of rain in after him, almost as if trying to pull him back out, and Stephen quickly shut the door again before turning to his new guest.

 

The man looked like he had just been swimming fully clothed.

  
"Jesus!" the sodden man exclaimed, shivering. "It's fuckin' _pouring_ out there." Glancing up, he opened his mouth to speak again, then his eyes fixed on the collar. "Uh, sorry, Fa —Pad—Er...Your _High_ ness?" The man's voice squeaked a little at the end and his expression was full of worried confusion.

 

"Just Stephen is fine," he replied, smiling in amusement. "I save 'Your Highness' for holidays."

 

The man flashed him an embarrassed smile as he clumsily stripped off his coat. "I can see how you wouldn't want to make a habit of it."

 

"Well, I have to at least give the _illusion_ of being humble." Stephen grinned. "Stay there, I'll get some towels."

 

"I'll just stay here and...drip," the man said, suddenly seeming to notice just how wet he was in comparison to his surroundings.

 

Chuckling, Stephen hurried to retrieve the towels and a change of clothes. When he got back, it looked like the man hadn't moved an inch, and in fact he appeared to be doing his best not to drip anywhere else. It was...strangely endearing, actually.

 

"Strip," Stephen told him sternly, arching an eyebrow. "You'll catch your death."

 

The man... _giggled_. There was no other word for the sound. He opened his mouth to speak, then caught himself, uncertainty creeping onto his face.

 

Stephen pointed at him. "And no jokes about Catholic priests and choirboys." From the way the man giggled again and flashed him a sheepish smile, he figured he guessed right at what the man had been holding himself back from saying.

 

As the man didn't so much strip as _peel_ the soaked clothing from his skin, Stephen handed over a towel and turned away to set down the change of clothes and other towel.

 

"I'm going to heat up some hot cocoa," he said. "Kitchen's just through there and the second door on the left."

 

"Uh... _thanks_."

 

"'For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock,'" Stephen replied, grinning at the man's quiet "What the _fuck_?" as he headed for the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

The man's name was Jon. He was Jewish, but more by birth than by faith. He, by his own admission, watched way too much TV. And he was able to argue with passion _and_ politeness, which Stephen found refreshing.

 

"As long as it's not _mandatory_ , who gives a fuck? How is it even anyone else's business?" Jon's eyes darted to Stephen, guilt flashing across his face. He still didn't quite seem to believe Stephen that priests knew the word "fuck" existed and _wouldn't_ dissolve in a gory, Wicked Witch-esque puddle upon hearing it.

 

Stephen nodded, blowing across the top of his cocoa before speaking. "It's mostly based on _fear_ , as I see it. Fear of the unknown, of difference, of things they don't understand. If _shellfish_ were scarier and less tasty, you can bet _they'd_ have a heck of a time getting equal rights."

 

Jon giggled and took a sip of his cocoa. "Stephen, I believe _you_ , sir, may be my favorite Catholic priest."

 

"It's an honor, to be ranked so highly among all the Catholic priests you know," Stephen said solemnly.

 

Slapping the tabletop with one hand, Jon said with mock decisiveness, "That's it. Stephen you are now _officially_ my favorite Catholic priest."

 

"Do I get a trophy?"

 

Jon shrugged. "Ehhh, maybe a tasteful little plaque."

 

"I accept, sir." Stephen held out his hand and they shook on it. Then they caught each other's eyes and both started laughing.

 

* * *

 

Jon's back hit the door and they tumbled into the confessional together. The lights flickered again.

 

"I have to say, I'm a little surprised," Jon gasped.

 

Bringing his lips up to Jon's ear as his hands wandered over the still slightly cool skin of the man's chest, Stephen breathed, "Oh?"

 

"For one thing, I'm not a choirboy." Jon yelped and then giggled as Stephen pinched him. "And for another...well c'mon, the whole _gay_ thing."

 

Straightening to look Jon in the eye, Stephen raised an eyebrow. "One, there are some robes in the back that might fit you if you're into that, but it does nothing for _me_. Two...Jon, I think you'll find there's more in the Bible about _loving_ your fellow man than about homosexuality being a sin."

 

As Stephen slid his thigh between Jon's legs, the man groaned. "Oh thank _God_."

 

 _"Amen_."


End file.
